The Best Panda Ever!

Today (actually two weeks ago when I first saved this) the girls and I went to Panda Express to pick up a quick dinner. Neil and Brandon went to meet my mother-in-law and boyfriend Frank for Dinner. We didn't go for three reasons:

1. The restaurant is not really baby friendly (not many are :-) and it sounded like a nightmare to take two of them.
2. Brooke is severely lactose intolerant and after looking up the ingredients and menu on the web, it would have hard to find something to eat. Their BBQ sauce had milk in it!
3. And lastly, we didn't want to

So we are driving to Panda and the girls are hoping Jenny will be there. She is a bio mom of a previous foster baby and she has been promising to show us pictures of her daughter who we haven't seen in over a year.

It was better than pictures. We got to see the baby!!! Mom's boyfriend came in with her. I saw them sitting at a table and knew it was her. She was so cute and happy and sweet and smart!

I have to say that it is hard to admit it, but the mom and baby girl S are doing well. They really love each other. Baby S was as excited to see her mommy as my kids ever were to see me. It was really a hard case to feel good about reunification. Mom had lost four other kids for unmentionable reasons. The children's father is still in prison. There were also drugs involved.

I didn't want baby S to go back to her. But since I am not in charge, she did and they are doing well. Mom is working two jobs. Maybe her extreme loss has caused extreme changes in her.

This is a case where I would have never trusted this woman to change, but she did, so I am happy. I will smile when I see her and mean it. In this dark and dismal foster care system it is nice to see a positive result for a change, from what was probably a judge's mistake.

Oh, I won't expect it too often, but it sure is nice when they surprise you.

~Susan

Most people struggle with life balance simply because they haven't paid the price
to decide what is really important to them.

Stephen Covey

Another post. . .

My title is what it is for my few readers. This is just another post for me to do while I contemplate whether or not I should continue blogging. I really think I should spend the time writing letters to friends that I have been neglecting, but this is easier. ;-)

But for now, here's what's going on:

Little French Baby was going, but now is staying a bit more. There was a unforeseeable problem with the Aunt and Uncle. They will probably get it cleared up in 6 weeks or so, but for now little Frenchy will stay. We are happy, but I did want her to get going if she's going. Why spend any more time attaching to us. I'm already attached, thank you very much.

Laughing baby boy J is still here and we are praying it is forever. Frenchy has a responsible family member to take her. Baby J does not. He needs us - and we need him. The county worker will probably try reunification, since we are told that is always the goal. It is funny that the goal is never to do what is best for the child. Why is that?

My college boy Brandon - It is going well for him, and brings back memories. . . It is 11:30 pm and he is studying for his test tomorrow. Time management is on the agenda for next week. We didn't have time to work on time management this week.

All three kids are going to be leaders in AWANAS at our church. The girls have before, but this will be Brandon's first time working in AWANAS. He went in saying he would only be a helper, and came out a leader. It was scary. I don't think he knew what hit him.

We have an extra dog while Neil's mom travels with her boyfriend. I feel a little silly calling a 75 year man a "boyfriend," but it would disappointing to the kids if I didn't. Hey, we calls it as we sees it.

Our little D is coming over in two days and the excitement builds. If she only knew how much we loved her she might use it against us. Shh.

Better run. Yes, it is almost 12:00 am and I am no where near ready to call it a night. So what's new?

~Susan

It is not enough to be busy; so are the ants.
The question is: what are we busy about?
Henry David Thoreau

D Update

Staying in D's life has been such a blessing - so far - because most bio mom's do not want the foster mom around after they get their children back. I understand why they feel that way. Who wants a constant reminder of when you were thought to be an unfit parent? And I wouldn't want the woman around who had raised my children. Especially if the child stilled called the other woman mommy.

Thankfully D's mom does not feel the same way. She has let our family have D about every other weekend for the past few months since the kids were returned home. She says she has hurt D enough and doesn't want to cause her more pain by cutting off her relationship with us. (although, the mom still professes innocence. . .) I know the mom enjoys the free babysitting, but I truthfully don't care why she let's us see D; just that she does. D thinks we are her family and we really are. Blood does not make a family.

The mom looks like a hooker all of the sudden. She had on tons of makeup last time we say her. I mean a crazy amount, and all glossy and thick. She is on the hunt again.

Since leaving, D's hair has been chopped almost to the scalp by a crazy uncle who I don't trust. But DCFS seems to be fine with him so who am I to judge??

Now the mom said we could have D on Thursday and on the way there she called me and said she was on the freeway on the way to Los angeles, and that she had just been picked up. Then acted surprised that we were on our way to get D. Why the call? I'm not sure.

I am a bit worried. And no, I don't think this mother is going to just surrender her child to me out of the goodness of her heart. I am not naive. Still, I will stay involved and watch out for D and all her siblings. And if the mom ever drops the ball we will be there to pick it up. In the mean time, we are blessed to have our D fixes when we can get them. When foster kids leave they do take a piece of you with them forever, but D owns all our hearts.

~Susan

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

Something Positive Out of the Pain

I am sure you have all either experienced it yourself or at least been close to someone who has.

You know when you are going through a horrible trial and the pain is so great you want out. Sometimes, someone, a well meaning friend or family member, says those words that don't help at the time, but they are mean to comfort you. They will tell you that someday you will be able to help someone else because of the trial you are going through now. The experience can somehow be positive because you will use it to ease someone else's pain and suffering. . .

Today, N, our seven year old foster daughter asked to call her mom. She meant her previous foster mom. She has been moved from her home and is missing her and her two "foster sisters" she lived with. She was not told why by any therapist and so she has not been able to heal or have any type of closure about the move. I decided enough was enough. She needed to be told something.

Well, I did explain things a bit more than anyone else did. It really helped her to understand that it was out of love that her foster mom tried to sabotage her adoption by her aunt. Her foster mom loved her and wanted to keep her. But it was wrong and now she can't have any contact with N because of it. (it is a long story!)

I was also able to explain things using the comparison of me and D, our foster daughter who was returned home to her mom while we were in the midst of adopting her. She lived with us for one year. N met D last weekend when she came for a visit.

I explained to N that I loved D like her foster mom loved her. I loved D so much that I wanted to keep her and adopt her. But the judge at court decided she would go home to her mom. Even though I disagreed, I had to do what the court said to do. support the decision and return D to her mother. Since I did not try to sabotage the plan or get in the way, or cause problems for the mom, I now have been so blessed to have D remain in our lives. She is now with her mom and family, but comes to visit every week or two. N saw how much D loved us and how much we love her, but that it is also good that D is with family now. We didn't try to keep her so we can still see her.

N was able to understand finally that her foster mom loved her so much that she did something wrong and now can't see her. Not because she doesn't want to.

I know you see where I am going with this. :-) Our trial and pain of losing D has helped me to explain to N what happened to make her half to move and not be able to talk to her previous family. She really was happy to finally know the truth - or as much as I know.

So it is true that God can help you use your trials to help others. I still don't want the trials, but it is nice to have something positive to do with the pain. The Lord does command us to encourage and lift up one another. He even gives us the means to do it.

~Susan

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Foster Care Trials and Tribulations

If anyone is out there and reading this blog I apologize for not posting for so long. After losing D and J it just was really hard to talk about it or even write about it. I mean what could I say? D was with us for one year and really felt like she was my baby. To her I am her mother so to me she is mine. Now she is at her bio mom's and it feels like someone else is raising my baby.

This whole trial has actually made me have a little more compassion for the mothers who lose their children to foster care. Not all of them, but many of the moms do love their children with all their hearts, but because of addiction, lack of resources, mental illness, and the way they themselves were raised they are incapable of taking care of them. It doesn't mean that they are not hurting.

Having D now in her mom's home has given me a small glimpse into a mom's world who has had a social worker say we are taking your children. That is what happened to me.

The sadness and helplessness is so compounded because D did not want to leave. She was depressed and wouldn't eat or sleep for missing us. This made us so sad. We could handle our grief, but a baby should not feel this way. It was the hardest thing to see. It is good that D has now started to attach to her mom and the family. She is happy again and she really has enough love for all of us!

I am blessed to say that after some initial problems that I was too emotional to post about, D's mom has let us continue to see D. In fact, she really has been pretty nice about it and insisted we take her, and has let us have her for weekends. Now many of you, and my family included, may assume she is doing it to get a break from D. This is probably true, but I won't worry about why she is doing it - just that she is.

Can I go through this again? I will pray I never have to find out. I know that D will probably someday, maybe at her mother's request, stop calling me mom. That will be sad, but okay. As long as she always calls. :-)

So to those who say you can't do foster care because you couldn't stand the pain of losing the children, I say, "yes, you can." My family put so much love into D and she blessed our lives so much that we didn't lose her - we gained her in our lives. If one day her mom doesn't let us see her anymore (we know this could happen) I will grieve all over. But I will also pray for her every day and for this privilege I am grateful.

I am ready for my phone to ring again. Somehow I know that having full arms will help heal our empty hearts a bit.

~Susan

I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy,
for you have considered my trouble.
You have known my soul in adversities.
Psalm 31:7

Favorite goodbye quote

I noticed I didn't leave a quote or Bible verse on my last post, and to be consistent I will do it now.

I thought it needed a goodbye quote and figured it would be pretty depressing finding one, but here it is:

"Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened."

Dr. Seuss

I love this quote, although it isn't deep enough or meaningful enough for our situation, a quote never is. It simply is a thought that makes you think. . .

During this trial of our girls leaving our home to return home to their bio mom, I have tried to remember that for their family this is seen as a blessing. For D and J it may be a good thing if their mom steps up to the plate and becomes their parent. There is a part of a child who always wants their "real" mom. J loves us and cries to stay, but still wants to go to her "real" mom too. She wants us both. Sadly, Kids don't just need a mom, but need a parent (or two :-). It may turn into a disaster and we pray D and J will not be hurt.

Yes, we are hurting - bad. But do we wish we had never taken in little D and then her sister? Not on your life! It is worth it all to have them for a year of time and hopefully in our lives forever.

The risk of a child leaving is not a good enough reason for me not to love them. Only God knows how long we will have anyone in our lives. He gave us a time with our girls and I am thankful.

So when strangers and friends say they couldn't possibly do this and how can we handle this, and all the other comments we will get for months, I could go into a big lengthy discussion - and probably will at times. :-)

But for now I am happy to have found this quote. It is a simple thought and says a lot.

~Susan

"Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened."

Dr. Seuss

Reunification in Foster Care

Reunification is something I have heard a little too many times in my relatively short stint as a foster mom. You want my definition of the word?

Reunification: returning foster children to their biological parents no matter what, if it is at all possible, no matter if this is in the best interest of the child. This is the goal of the courts and child welfare system.

So reunification with the parent is always the initial goal of the system. Because of this, many children remain in foster care for years while they wait for their parents to show the courts that they can care for their children. Despite the passage of the Adoption and Safe Families Act in 1997, the average child remains in foster care for over 28 months!

This is too long in my opinion. IMHO of course. . . If the parents can't show steps of being able to rehabilitate in a reasonable time period, their rights should be terminated so the children can find permanency in an adoptive home.

For a longer, and probably more unbiased definition of reunification go to a great resource called the Adoption Encyclopedia.

D's social worker has asked our family to foster, then adopt, then only foster, then adopt after failed reunification plans, and now we are back to just fostering. Now the social worker wants to return the kids and has asked us to help with reunification plans, but be ready to adopt please, since we are the contingency plan.

Yeah, I am sick of the word reunification, and I don't like being a contingency plan much either. But hey, being a backup plan is better than not being part of the plan at all.

I will take what I can get at this point. Friends ask me how I can do this, not knowing if D and J are staying or going.

I have to hope.

~Susan

Until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man,
all human wisdom is summed up in these two words, - 'Wait and hope.'
Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo