If anyone is out there and reading this blog I apologize for not posting for so long. After losing D and J it just was really hard to talk about it or even write about it. I mean what could I say? D was with us for one year and really felt like she was my baby. To her I am her mother so to me she is mine. Now she is at her bio mom's and it feels like someone else is raising my baby.
This whole trial has actually made me have a little more compassion for the mothers who lose their children to foster care. Not all of them, but many of the moms do love their children with all their hearts, but because of addiction, lack of resources, mental illness, and the way they themselves were raised they are incapable of taking care of them. It doesn't mean that they are not hurting.
Having D now in her mom's home has given me a small glimpse into a mom's world who has had a social worker say we are taking your children. That is what happened to me.
The sadness and helplessness is so compounded because D did not want to leave. She was depressed and wouldn't eat or sleep for missing us. This made us so sad. We could handle our grief, but a baby should not feel this way. It was the hardest thing to see. It is good that D has now started to attach to her mom and the family. She is happy again and she really has enough love for all of us!
I am blessed to say that after some initial problems that I was too emotional to post about, D's mom has let us continue to see D. In fact, she really has been pretty nice about it and insisted we take her, and has let us have her for weekends. Now many of you, and my family included, may assume she is doing it to get a break from D. This is probably true, but I won't worry about why she is doing it - just that she is.
Can I go through this again? I will pray I never have to find out. I know that D will probably someday, maybe at her mother's request, stop calling me mom. That will be sad, but okay. As long as she always calls. :-)
So to those who say you can't do foster care because you couldn't stand the pain of losing the children, I say, "yes, you can." My family put so much love into D and she blessed our lives so much that we didn't lose her - we gained her in our lives. If one day her mom doesn't let us see her anymore (we know this could happen) I will grieve all over. But I will also pray for her every day and for this privilege I am grateful.
I am ready for my phone to ring again. Somehow I know that having full arms will help heal our empty hearts a bit.
~Susan
I will be glad and rejoice in your mercy,
for you have considered my trouble.
You have known my soul in adversities.
Psalm 31:7
for you have considered my trouble.
You have known my soul in adversities.
Psalm 31:7
5 comments:
I love you mom.
Keep posting.
I am so happy to read your wise words. You are so precious to me.. Love you.. Jennifer xo
Losing "our" babies and children is the hardest part of foster care, especially when they stay for a long time. My little one went back at the start of the new year after living with us for almost 3 years, she came to us at 9 months. We also get to see her on the weekends and I still struggle with whether that is so goo for her or not because every weekends she screams and cries and grieves all over again when it is time to go back to her parents. She truly does not understand why she can't stay at "MY house with my mommy" as she says. Yet we all go on, doing the best we can. May God's love grant you some peace.
Beth
Beth,
I am so sorry to hear that you have had to go through the same pain. I struggle with the same thing. We want to see her and knowing we will in two days helps us to feel some joy, but there is always pain again to see her go when she feels like she is ours. And like you, we don't want her to be hurt as she doesn't understand why her mommy (me) keeps dropping her off at this other family. I wish we knew the answer. I can't imagine your heartache after almost three years. :-/ God bless you and your family for going on. Thank you for stopping by and encouraging me. Susan
Susan,
Sometimes all we can do is share our grief. I do hope your empty arms get filled again and soon. Did a little birdie named "Brianna" just post that there might be a possibility? Good luck, keep posting, we all need to hear from each other.
Beth
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