The Best Drug Mother in the World

Yes, that is the mother of my foster son. She is wonderful, knows everything, and could teach me a thing or two. Her baby being detained originally was a big mistake for which the judge actually apologized to her for. Then, she was minding her own business, bonding with her new baby son, when she had a relapse. So the baby ended up back in foster care. Yes, this is the second time in five months.

She was such a good mother that she was exclusively nursing her son - except of course when she was attending her classes required by court to get her son back. Yes, she was nursing while doing drugs.

Best drug mommy in the world called me on the phone the weekend her son came to stay. Good thing, since I was a bit lost. But drug mommy to the rescue. She told me how to burp her son. Explained, in detail how to burp him, since apparently he didn't burp like other babies. I was grateful for this information since the baby was getting quite grumpy after two days of not burping. He was even starting to swell.

Well, the best drug mommy also knows the best bottles for her nursing only baby. She is also quite offended if you do not purchase those bottles. It is not like I was stupid enough to show up at the first visit with just any ordinary bottles. I bought the special vent things from Playtex. Wide nipple tops for babies transitioning from nursing. Hey, it wasn't the Platex nursers with the annoying little bags so my name is mud. She actually came out of the visit complaining the little guy was choking from the bottle. I so wanted to say,

"Really? he never chokes at my house. You just must not know how to feed him a bottle." I didn't, but I thought it.

A few days later I had a chance for best drug mommy to really put me in my place. Her son came down with a case of thrush in his mouth. Caused by an overgrowth of yeast and quite common in young babies. But being the good foster mommy I am, I take him to the doctor for medicine. So I told the mom on one of her many calls. She then informed me that he had thrush once before in foster care only - never at her house. And it is cause by dirty bottles and nipples. I was able to casually mention that it was not caused by this and she preceded to argue. I was able to choke out that it wasn't caused by this at my house, but I am not sure my pathetic attempt to save my hide worked. She was sure I caused this case of thrush.

This week we have had the fun of best drug mommy resuming her nursing on her visits. This is after two clean drug tests. The mom has been even more humble about her mothering abilities now.

How do I stand it and why do I allow this to continue? Well, I am learning so much. . .

~Susan

Chocolate Milk and Cheetos

Well, I think I may have heard it all. I am shocked a bit, and as a foster care mom, you may think it is hard to shock me. You hear such unbelievable stories from and about birth parents. As one social worker told me, as she tried to defend her decision to send a child back to a parent who was seriously lacking in any skills and resources to take of a child let alone herself,

"we can't expect these moms to have the same parenting skills as you do, and what we may think is bad parenting may just be their parenting style"

So what was so shocking? I spoke to M's mom today. She called me on my cell. M moved in on Friday, five days ago. Her mom has been in a rehab center and must have just got calling privileges.

M's mom seemed really sincere in our conversation and was grateful to me for taking care of her daughter. Actually said she appreciated my family for helping her out.

Then she started to share little parenting secrets. You know, those wee little gems that other experienced moms share at the park, and you then share with others. Something you will pass down to friends, sisters, and eventually your own daughters.

So how does M love to wake up and spend her morning? She was about to tell me a gem.

M loves to have chocolate milk in the morning. She even gave me her recipe.

"Buy the chocolate syrup and squeeze a ton of it in the milk"

Simple enough.

She said M loves it and will "lap it up."

M will sometimes take a morning nap then. I didn't have the heart to tell her that this was a sugar induced coma.

And now her mom dares to share her secret for a good breakfast. You guessed it.

Cheetos. She actually said that M's favorite breakfast is chocolate milk and cheetos. Loves it!

Cheerios?? I wanted to ask, but the mom was clear. She hadn't misspoke.

So there you have it. You may be surprised to know that I have decided not to give M chocolate milk and cheetos for breakfast. I just can't, no matter how much she loves it.

Hey, that wouldn't be fair to my bio kids who still eat unsweetened cereals and bread with actual wheat flour.

~Susan

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
~Fran Lebowitz

Reunification in Foster Care

Reunification is something I have heard a little too many times in my relatively short stint as a foster mom. You want my definition of the word?

Reunification: returning foster children to their biological parents no matter what, if it is at all possible, no matter if this is in the best interest of the child. This is the goal of the courts and child welfare system.

So reunification with the parent is always the initial goal of the system. Because of this, many children remain in foster care for years while they wait for their parents to show the courts that they can care for their children. Despite the passage of the Adoption and Safe Families Act in 1997, the average child remains in foster care for over 28 months!

This is too long in my opinion. IMHO of course. . . If the parents can't show steps of being able to rehabilitate in a reasonable time period, their rights should be terminated so the children can find permanency in an adoptive home.

For a longer, and probably more unbiased definition of reunification go to a great resource called the Adoption Encyclopedia.

D's social worker has asked our family to foster, then adopt, then only foster, then adopt after failed reunification plans, and now we are back to just fostering. Now the social worker wants to return the kids and has asked us to help with reunification plans, but be ready to adopt please, since we are the contingency plan.

Yeah, I am sick of the word reunification, and I don't like being a contingency plan much either. But hey, being a backup plan is better than not being part of the plan at all.

I will take what I can get at this point. Friends ask me how I can do this, not knowing if D and J are staying or going.

I have to hope.

~Susan

Until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man,
all human wisdom is summed up in these two words, - 'Wait and hope.'
Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo