Three Babies

Three babies at once are not in my future. I am fine with it. Shocking, I know. I guess when you know it isn't even something that you feel the Lord would encourage you to do at this point in your life, it is okay to say no.

Firstly, it probably never would have happened anyway, which certainly makes it easier. I spoke to the social worker involved, and though he was excited to have us as a "contingency plan," it didn't sound like it was more than a 50/50 chance. There is a grandma who wants them and I think if she is capable of taking care of them and wants them she should have them. She may or may not get them, but I certainly am not going to get in the way.

It is funny because she is definitely not the blood grandma of one of the boys - mother is white, and her son is white, baby boy is half black - she is claiming him and pretends not to notice.

I like that.

The county worker would have moved the boys and new baby due soon to my house, the contingency placement (in other words - back up plan in case their plan falls through). Most likely a heartache. I talked to Neil about it, and for various good reasons, he said no.

I am glad he did.

It is weird how sometimes you think you want something, and then when you don't get it you realize that was the blessing.

~Susan

"When we lose one blessing,
another one is often most unexpectedly given in its place."
C.S. Lewis

Absense Makes the Heart Grow Fonder. . .

At least in the case of the baby boys it does. We only had them for 3 days, and they have been gone over one week. Still, we miss them, and knowing the possibility of their return - has made us miss them more.

It is because now we have thought of what "could be" and we have pictured them in our lives, and seen them in our house. So each passing day is a little sad.

An answer is all I want now. I don't want to see them in my life if it isn't going to happen. Foster Care Adoption is different for most people than going out and searching for a child to adopt. It is different than looking for a child who you want to add to your family.

In foster care, the child comes looking for you. And when they do you want to say, "yeah, you found me!"

~Susan

"Adoption is not about finding children for families,
it's about finding families for children."
Joyce Maguire Pavao

Something Positive Out of the Pain

I am sure you have all either experienced it yourself or at least been close to someone who has.

You know when you are going through a horrible trial and the pain is so great you want out. Sometimes, someone, a well meaning friend or family member, says those words that don't help at the time, but they are mean to comfort you. They will tell you that someday you will be able to help someone else because of the trial you are going through now. The experience can somehow be positive because you will use it to ease someone else's pain and suffering. . .

Today, N, our seven year old foster daughter asked to call her mom. She meant her previous foster mom. She has been moved from her home and is missing her and her two "foster sisters" she lived with. She was not told why by any therapist and so she has not been able to heal or have any type of closure about the move. I decided enough was enough. She needed to be told something.

Well, I did explain things a bit more than anyone else did. It really helped her to understand that it was out of love that her foster mom tried to sabotage her adoption by her aunt. Her foster mom loved her and wanted to keep her. But it was wrong and now she can't have any contact with N because of it. (it is a long story!)

I was also able to explain things using the comparison of me and D, our foster daughter who was returned home to her mom while we were in the midst of adopting her. She lived with us for one year. N met D last weekend when she came for a visit.

I explained to N that I loved D like her foster mom loved her. I loved D so much that I wanted to keep her and adopt her. But the judge at court decided she would go home to her mom. Even though I disagreed, I had to do what the court said to do. support the decision and return D to her mother. Since I did not try to sabotage the plan or get in the way, or cause problems for the mom, I now have been so blessed to have D remain in our lives. She is now with her mom and family, but comes to visit every week or two. N saw how much D loved us and how much we love her, but that it is also good that D is with family now. We didn't try to keep her so we can still see her.

N was able to understand finally that her foster mom loved her so much that she did something wrong and now can't see her. Not because she doesn't want to.

I know you see where I am going with this. :-) Our trial and pain of losing D has helped me to explain to N what happened to make her half to move and not be able to talk to her previous family. She really was happy to finally know the truth - or as much as I know.

So it is true that God can help you use your trials to help others. I still don't want the trials, but it is nice to have something positive to do with the pain. The Lord does command us to encourage and lift up one another. He even gives us the means to do it.

~Susan

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
1 Thessalonians 5:11

Boy, oh boy. . .

The last two days have been a roller coaster. We were called and asked to take a newborn baby boy and it was most likely going to adoption. I'll cut to the chase. . .today we found out they placed him with another family because they thought we didn't have an approved home study for adoption. It wasn't showing in the computer. This was just a clerical error or lack of communication situation - that cost us the baby.

To make matters worse, the adoption worker - assigned to us - don't know what happened to the last one - called me out of the blue today to say she had our archived study and everything was fine and she just needed to update a few things. She thought we were still adopting D and J. When I told her the news she was so sweet and sounded genuinely empathetic to our situation. I really like her. :-) I am going to call her tomorrow and see if she can put us in the computer as an approved family or if we need to update first. I think we were never added since we were getting a study for a specific child, not to be put on a waiting list.

Then an hour later we find out we lost the baby for lack of a study. I made a call. Explained my case (the baby is still in the hospital at this point) hoping we could get him placed with us. One worker made some calls, but she called back to say the worker who had already done the paperwork for the other family said she wasn't doing it again.

I am sad, and our girls are very very sad. We are all disappointed. I am happy for the other family and I hope they cherish him and raise him in a home where he will see people who love the Lord.

This is who I want them to be: they are a nice married couple - man and wife!, who couldn't ever have children of their own and have dreamed of adopting a newborn from the county because there is no way they could ever afford international adoption and they have a heart for children in our messed up foster care system. And they are Christians who desire to homeschool.

Hey, a person can dream can't she?!

There is a reason this happened. I am praying I grow from it and don't let it make me bitter. I will be going to Target tomorrow to return his car seat. We bought him a new one, even though we really can't afford it. I have a pink one (thank you Jennifer :-), but I really couldn't bear to go pick him up in that.

Wow, I really didn't "cut to the chase," did I? Brevity is not my forte.

I hope there will be good news soon. My parents are both ill with mom in the hospital, my car needs major repairs, and we are almost out of money.

A newborn baby would have been nice. . . :-)

~Susan

"We must accept finite disappointment,
but never lose infinite hope."
Martin Luther King

Now abide in faith, hope and charity, these three.
1 Corinthians 13:13

Waiting

Waiting is often the hardest thing we do. Waiting to hear "the news" can be exciting or excruciating, depending on "the news" we are waiting for.

As a foster care family we are always waiting. I hadn't thought of it until earlier today, but the continual waiting is stressful. First we wait to finish classes, home studies, physicals, background checks, and more. Then some families wait for children. We already had a child in mind, so she was actually waiting in another home for us to finish all of our waiting.

When you have a child move in there are many waits: You wait for them get used to you, feel comfortable, and to finally bond. You may wait for them to listen and sleep through the night too! The waiting may be different if they are a foster placement or a foster adopt placement - at first. Then you love them and want them to stay forever.

We are a waiting foster family. We are still waiting for our phone to ring because we are going to take a baby as soon as there is one who needs our family. We are also waiting to hear if we can adopt our two foster daughters. This is the hardest waiting we have done. We are praying that we can adopt them if it is God's plan. If going home is not the best thing for them we want them to stay in our family. We love them and can't imagine life without them.

So for now we wait. We are waiting to hear something. The next hearing date is March 10th. I'll keep you posted.

~Susan

but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:31

A Nice Adoption Story

I went out last night with a few other homeschool moms. It is a once a month thing that has started to be kinda regular for a few of us. I used to have a support meeting at my house, but these less formal outings are nice and I can have a piece of my favorite French Apple Pie. Shush, don't tell the kids. :-) I'm sure they think I just have a cup of coffee. Truth is, I don't even have coffee. These moms are all the healthy types and I don't want to shock them by drinking coffee at 8:00 pm!

Anyways, I met a new lady whose name has escaped me. I think it may be Shirley?? No one who knows the answer can read this blog and tell me since I haven't fessed up and told anyone about this blog. Strange that I feel okay for a stranger to read this, but it feels strange to tell people I know. . .

My new friend mentioned that she was adopted from foster care as a baby. She shared that her parents didn't tell her she was adopted. Yes, I know you are probably outraged, but we really shouldn't judge them too harshly, as times were different then.

When she found out as an adult, her father answered that he had forgotten. We all found that very sweet. There was a little more to the story of course, but I feel regardless of details, her dad probably had forgotten over the years.

It wasn't an issue to him how his daughter came to him, just that she did.

~Susan

Adoption is when a child grew in its mommy's heart instead of her tummy.
~unknown

Older Child Adoption, Our Story Part 1

I never really thought we would be able to adopt since we had three children already. Just didn't think my husband would go for it. I think we pick our battles, don't we?

And truth be told, if I thought about adopting, it was always a newborn baby. I guess that is the way I was used to children joining families. When they are new.

So, what happened to change my thoughts on the matter and make me get the guts to approach my husband on the matter? I really can't explain it other than God has other plans . . .

Here is what happened:

After church one day I was in the little kitchen with a few of the other women from church; we were cleaning up after a potluck I believe. A dear friend Penny came in to share a prayer request. (I hope Penny doesn't mind that I am using her real name. I guess I'll ask her next time we speak)

I'm paraphrasing here, but she says something like,

"I have a prayer request to share. There is a little girl in our church who needs a family to adopt her and we would really like her to be adopted by someone here."

Well, many of us were shocked to hear such a thing, and asked who this little girl was.

"*Marissa," said Penny

"Marissa!" a few of us said in unison.

And then I knew. My heart actually felt like it was in my throat. Penny shared a couple of more bits of information, so the women would know how to pray. Another friend realized I had asked a few questions and she looked at me and said,

"Susan, you want a seven year old!"

Apparently I did, since I proceeded to follow Penny out to her car.

to be continued. . .

~Susan

*name has been changed

For I know the plans I have for you, "declares the Lord,"
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11

Babies on Doorsteps

I have always loved being a mom. Just felt like it was what I was born to do. I was able to have three children. I almost said I was "only" able to have three children, but I know I feel that would sound insensitive to those who weren't able to have any.

I never really complained to my husband about not being able to have more children, other than occasionally casually mentioning that I would have had more if I could have. He would then say something like, "three is good."

When our kids were younger sometimes they would ask why we didn't have more kids, and I would say that God only gave me three, but they were His three best. I was telling them the truth. You should meet my kids :-)

I did bring the subject of adoption up to my husband and he wasn't against the idea, but he didn't want to pursue finding a child. He said if God wants us to have another baby He will make it clear somehow.

I said, "God doesn't drop babies on doorsteps."

He said, "He could."

I laughed.

A few weeks later a good friend had a baby dropped on her doorstep. A while later the mother also dropped off her two other babies. I told my friend thanks a lot, now Neil will say, "see I told you God could drop babies on doorsteps."

My friend's family raised the three children for about two years. it wasn't easy on them because they already had eight of their own.

But I guess you don't say no when God drops a baby on your doorstep.

~Susan

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible,
but with God all things are possible."
Matthew 19:26

Reunification in Foster Care

Reunification is something I have heard a little too many times in my relatively short stint as a foster mom. You want my definition of the word?

Reunification: returning foster children to their biological parents no matter what, if it is at all possible, no matter if this is in the best interest of the child. This is the goal of the courts and child welfare system.

So reunification with the parent is always the initial goal of the system. Because of this, many children remain in foster care for years while they wait for their parents to show the courts that they can care for their children. Despite the passage of the Adoption and Safe Families Act in 1997, the average child remains in foster care for over 28 months!

This is too long in my opinion. IMHO of course. . . If the parents can't show steps of being able to rehabilitate in a reasonable time period, their rights should be terminated so the children can find permanency in an adoptive home.

For a longer, and probably more unbiased definition of reunification go to a great resource called the Adoption Encyclopedia.

D's social worker has asked our family to foster, then adopt, then only foster, then adopt after failed reunification plans, and now we are back to just fostering. Now the social worker wants to return the kids and has asked us to help with reunification plans, but be ready to adopt please, since we are the contingency plan.

Yeah, I am sick of the word reunification, and I don't like being a contingency plan much either. But hey, being a backup plan is better than not being part of the plan at all.

I will take what I can get at this point. Friends ask me how I can do this, not knowing if D and J are staying or going.

I have to hope.

~Susan

Until the day when God shall deign to reveal the future to man,
all human wisdom is summed up in these two words, - 'Wait and hope.'
Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

Foster Care Trials and Tribulations

Foster Care? Yes, I am a little surprised too. It just sort of happened and now I know it is us. Along the way we have found out we are all a little more capable than we thought we were.

We loved a little seven year old with severe undiagnosed Reactive Attachment Disorder. We were her 9th placement and it resulted in a disrupted adoption. If you say you would never disrupt an adoption, you don't know until you are in the situation that requires this ending. I have read many books on RAD and done a lot of research since then, and I often have a case of the "woulda, shoulda, couldas," but I'll blog on this later.

If not for M coming into our lives we would not be foster parents - so there is a reason for everything. We decided to use our license for the rest of the year, knowing that there are many children who need a home. Our first placement was a temporary placement for 3-4 weeks. That baby has been with us for almost 10 months now. Another baby who was supposed to stay forever, left after only three months. You never know.

Our home has started to seem large lately, making me feel greedy for all this space. We are in the process of freeing up another bedroom so we are available for a couple more children. This is also a thin disguise for my teen girls to move into the very large family room - complete with a wall mounted TV and its own bathroom. ;-) Hey, they are doing it for the kids! (they really are, otherwise they could each have their own spacious bedroom instead of sharing one)

One minute I am excited and asking God to prepare our hearts for the children who are to come, and a moment later I am telling myself I can't go on and wondering if this is really my life.

I will be blogging about foster care, foster to adopt, reactive attachment disorder, birth parents, reunification, social workers, home studies, inspections, foster and adoption poetry, and why I needed to lock up my dryer sheets.

These are the trials and tribulations of a foster care family.

~Susan

What do we live for, if not to make the world
a less difficult place for each other.

George Eliot